Dear
Welcome to the world of the sinner; the world of the lost
souls, the ones who were left vulnerable and found no solace with anything in
life.
These are
the first words that depressed, 20-year-old Jules hears after accidentally
falling into the river near her home. After contemplating suicide for quite
some time, Jules follows in her literary hero’s footsteps. She fills an
overcoat with stones and climbs onto the edge of a bridge, preparing to jump
just as Virginia Woolf had so many years before. However, at the last second
she chickens out and turns to leave, but as fate would have it, she stumbles
upon her coat and slips backwards into the river. However, she quickly realizes
that perhaps she hasn’t died. In fact, she can breathe normally and as she
travels downwards, she discovers a world created for suicidal people. This
world, which mimics the world she just left, seems almost magical at the
beginning. Here she finds company with the bubbly Norah and the solemn,
sunglass-wearing Sid who offers insight and a pair of ears to hear her
suffering. While still alive, Jules discovers that she has lost more than she
originally thought. Not only is she stuck in this new world that seems to hold
secrets just out of her reach, but she also can’t feel anything except for her
emotions, which unfortunately are all pointed in the depressed direction. As
she struggles with her past demons and her utter confusion of what she is
really meant to do in this world, she discovers that in order to be seen and
heard, she has to reach out herself.
Complete
at 65,000 words, Give Me Ears to Hear Me Speak is a young adult fantasy novel
likely to appeal to fans of Jay Asher’s 13 Reasons Why and anyone who has ever
struggled with feeling left out and not knowing how to find their own voice.
Thank you
so much for your time and I hope to hear from you in the future.
Sincerely,
Dani Nau
I like the quote at the beginning, but you could shorten it to “Welcome to the world of the sinner” that sounds more dramatic than the entire thing. “After contemplating suicide for quite some time, Jules follows in her literary hero’s footsteps.” – this sentence seems redundant after the one that follows which gets the same point across must clearer. You need to spread your ideas apart to make the query easier to read. First, I think you should make a new paragraph to focus solely on the world she’s slipped into and what her quest will be. Then, I suggest you split it at, “Here she finds company…” and use that paragraph to detail your characters. The overall tone is depressing and agents use the query as a sample of what your story might be like and they may assume (rightfully or wrongly) that your story is depressing as well. Even though suicide is a tough subject and this story could be great help for struggling teens, there’s got to be a sense of hope and happiness to it as well. Rework your structure and tighten the description and you’ll be on your way!
ReplyDeleteGreat title btw!
Hello. Just stopping by from QueryRoundtable.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the world of the sinner; the world of the lost souls, the ones who were left vulnerable and found no solace with anything in life. (Starting a hook with "Welcome to the world" is very cliche. I've read agents really don't like this.)
These are the first words that depressed, 20-year-old Jules hears after accidentally falling into the river near her home. After contemplating suicide for quite some time, Jules follows in her literary hero’s footsteps. (It said she "accidentally" fell and now you're saying she did it on purpose?) She fills an overcoat with stones and climbs onto the edge of a bridge, preparing to jump just as Virginia Woolf had so many years before. However, at the last second she chickens out and turns to leave, but as fate would have it, she stumbles upon her coat and slips backwards into the river. (This clears up my earlier confusion. But it needs to be apparent earlier. Try deleting "accidentally")However, she quickly realizes that perhaps she hasn’t died. In fact, she can breathe normally and as she travels downwards, she discovers a world created for suicidal people. This world, which mimics the world she just left, seems almost magical at the beginning.(This world isn't being painted well enough for me. I'm still confused what's going on.) Here she finds company with the bubbly Norah and the solemn, sunglass-wearing Sid who offers insight and a pair of ears to hear her suffering. While still alive, Jules discovers that she has lost more than she originally thought.(What does this mean? Vague to the point of confusion.) Not only is she stuck in this new world that seems to hold secrets just out of her reach, but she also can’t feel anything except for her emotions, which unfortunately are all pointed in the depressed direction. As she struggles with her past demons and her utter confusion of what she is really meant to do in this world, she discovers that in order to be seen and heard, she has to reach out herself.(Again, super vague.)
After reading this, the only thing I gathered was she accidentally drowned herself and then woke up in a world full of other people who killed themselves. That's it. You say a lot in the query without actually telling me anything.
First thing - break this up into separate paragraphs. I see that big chunk and I don't want to read any further. Also, I got kind of a plot-based feel to this, which isn't what you want.
ReplyDeleteFocus on character (Jules, accidentally falls into a river while contemplating suicide), conflict (she's trapped in an unknown world, and unable to change her emotions) and stakes (I don't know what's at stake. What will she loose, what will she gain, if she succeeds or fails?)
It sounds like a really cool setup, and Jules sounds like an interesting - albeit depressing - character. Tighten things up a bit and you're golden :-)
Good luck! <3
I'm not part of the whole "roundtable" thing, but I really loved this. Great idea and great voice in the query, best of luck! I'd definitely give it a chance.
ReplyDeleteThe first quote could be changed shorted to “Welcome to the world of the sinner; the world of the lost souls.” In my opinion. I like this but I’m not sure you need to start with it. You might be better off fitting it into the body of the query and therefore in the story. (Maybe)
ReplyDeleteI’d start off with her falling into the river. Say she considered suicide but fell anyway (I don’t think you need to explain how that happens, in such a short space her “walking away but falling anyway” thing sounds a little cheesy to me. This will open up a great opportunity for details, something like “as the ice cold water hits her…” yada yada she hears “Welcome to the world of the sinner; the world of the lost souls.”
As for the rest—I love the concept, a lot, but it is in need of some tightening and some clarity. She’s in this other world but she realizes she’s not dead? How? And what does that mean. I love the explanation of the world and the people she meets (but some new details wouldn’t hurt) and the last bit of the query needs worked a little. I assume she has to confront those demons to get back to her life and out of that strange world? Show us that.
I also would like to point out that I don’t think this query is too depressing or dark. I really really like the idea of this story.
Focus on Jules. Why does she contemplate suicide in the first place? Start with that and then have one line to say she decides not to kill herself and accidentally does.
ReplyDeleteThen describe the world she is now in.
Then have a third paragraph that focuses on the conflict, her obstacles, and the stakes.
Sounds like an interesting story. Good luck!
I'm not sure I'd open with the quote. It feels like you're talking to the agent (even though you're not), and besides I don't think it's strong enough. Start with your main character. I like the quote. I would just use it later. Maybe like this:
ReplyDelete20 year-old Jules stuffs her overcoat with stones, and climbs to the edge of a bridge. But unlike her literary hero, Virginia Woolf, Jules can’t go through with it. She’s depressed, but not that depressed. So when she stumbles backward and falls as she turns to head home Jules is surprised to find herself still breathing normally as she sinks beneath the water. She isn’t even sure she’s really dead. Especially when she sees the sign:
Welcome to the world of the sinner; the world of the lost souls, the ones who were left vulnerable and found no solace with anything in life.
Jules is in a world… then describe and tell what she’s got to do and what the stakes are.
Hi, Dani! Jo from Query Roundtable. Sorry this is so late but here I am!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above. Your query has some of the same errors mine did :(
Long sentences and wordiness without actually telling anything. Ugh. As writers, I think we are hardwired to think along lines of plot when we are considering our own books. Maybe the answer is to pass your manuscript to another writer and have them read it and write your query.
I did that with my synopsis. It worked well. Just use someone you trust.
I hope this helps in some small way. I'd love to give suggestions on the actual text but it seems everything I would have said has already been addressed.
Best of luck!!
I'm late to the party, but I wanted to stop by and add my two cents... And all I can really say here is: Ditto!
ReplyDeleteI agree that it would help to make your query more readable if you broke up the paragraph. Don't be afraid of white space on the page!
I agree with all of the suggestions to move the quote into the middle of your query, rather than starting with it. I think it would give the quote more punch that way.
As for giving us the stakes of your story... Think about what your main character wants/needs more than anything else in the world. (This might be different at the beginning of the story than it is in the middle or end.) WHY does she want/need it? What will she do to acheive this goal? What will happen if she fails? Be as specific as possible.
Good luck to you!